Who am I?
Who was I?
It is so easy to lose who we are and feel like we have lost our identity when we become a mother. Don’t get me wrong, it is the most incredible feeling to become a mama, mom, mummy, mum, but it can also be hard to adjust – and we shouldn’t feel ashamed about that.
Even before I ever got pregnant I always thought I’d love to be on maternity and I’d have all that time off work and I will travel! But of course, though a nice idea, it just wouldn’t work with triplets, little money and being on my own more or less (abusive relationship, see previous post).
For me it is hard to really see how becoming a mother for the first time affected me, as I was in a serious abusive relationship, so the main big changes I know are due to that.
The main things that have been challenging however are:
- Going to a shop without planning ahead and will we even fit through the door.
- Time management.
- Sleep deprivation.
- Money and the cost of getting everything x3.
Before babies (and abuse) I was so outgoing and spontaneous and I just wanted to try new things and explore – but just have fun!
When I was 19 I flew to America on my own and worked on a camp with Camp America for children and adults with physical and mental disabilities in Seattle and it was literally the best time of my life. Seattle is my favourite place, and I’d love to return one day.
I went to uni and lived in Preston for 3 years, though I loved coming back home (with my washing) at the odd weekend and I’d always have a lovely Sunday dinner from my mum.
I had worked in retail since the age of 16, from Select, Clark’s, Shoe Zone, HMV and I love how I still remember how to properly fit shoes on babies from my time at Clark’s!
I got my first job with BBC News when I was 21 and I’ve been with the company (albeit in various departments) for over 10 years now! I have met the most incredible people, managed to achieve my ambition of becoming a photographer and photographed the world’s biggest stars from Bradley Cooper, Alicia Keyes, will.i.am and Backstreet Boys! Oh, I love BSB!!! They were also so so nice to my mum, which I’ll never forget ❤️
Making the move to working online with the world’s best Children’s content makers and pushing my creativity and ambition even further; I truly love my job.
So as well as always working, always striving to have a career – a career people laughed at me for even wanting when I was a child, I always like to push myself and try and stay focused, though that is hard most times.
My fun is my random travel and the best was for my friends 30th birthday! I joined her travel escapades at the last minute and I am so glad I did! I first flew to Düsseldorf to join my uncle on tour (and I even got up on the side of the stage in front of 50,000 German fans to take pics!) I then flew to Berlin and met my friends. It was such a fun time and I truly love Berlin – my 2nd favourite city! Next on our travels was Venice and wow, what an incredible city!!! I have been lucky to go to some amazing places and though I haven’t travelled as much as I wanted or been to far away places like Australia, Thailand or Bali, they are on my list and travelling is something I still want to do, though a lot easier when my babies are older!
I love doing random things, I mean life is for living right? I even took a solo holiday to Oslo a few years ago and even met the most beautiful Swedish man! So a lot of travelling to Sweden, even learning a little bit of the language – I honestly had so much fun!
Which is why when I look back on the crazy things I have done and the things I have worked hard for it can be difficult to see how I lost that due to being in an abusive relationship. Now I am out and free it is knowing I still want to be me while being a mum. I am back at work and work hard for my babies. It is so hard to lose your identity and when I was on maternity I found it hard at first not working and being me.
I didn’t know how to be a mum. I didn’t know how to do this. Was I going to do it right?
Though scary it felt safe and easier in a way when they were in hospital, maybe as I had help. Then when we were all home it was more real. What are they crying for? Are they ok? Recovering from a c-section yet caring for three tiny babies, my hormones and body settling back down, but also now I was expressing and my body was just so different. I was so tired. It was difficult to find the right routine.
Didn’t want to put makeup on, hair shoved on top of my head, I felt like I was in a daze and constantly on the go. But do you know what? That is normal. Just make sure you have support and help.
Now that I am out of the abusive relationship and can finally be myself and not feel scared I feel I can truly be me again and be the best mum I can be. I want to still do random things and have fun and what better way to have fun than making three beautiful babies smile and laugh along with you.
To wake up in the morning and think sod it, get in the car and go on a crazy trip. Yes, I have to pack like I’m going away for days instead of a few hours but it’s just getting into that routine and getting as organised as possible.
Then I am also trying to have some me time. I love going to the gym and having that time to just be me and I love seeing friends when I can. At the start of June 2019, there is an event I’m tempted to go to just to get back to me and do something crazy, fun and oh so random!
So though I have my anxiety attacks and ptsd from things that have happened to me, becoming a mother to my beautiful triplets has given me life. They have given me strength I never knew I had. They make me fight and to be strong and I always want to make them proud. I always want to make them laugh and smile. Even by the small things of having a dance every day together, running around and chasing one another and to just relaxing altogether snuggling up.
So I am not “just a mum”. I am me, I have an identity, but being a mum is the best of me.